So a few days go by….not a word, not a text, not a voicemail…nothing…
Seriously? Let me tell you what that feels like….
I knew something was up that day. You seemed “off” in the evening. The texts were few and far between. When you didn’t call me when you got off from work, I subconsciously knew I would never hear from you again. Call it women’s intuition. Call it a vision. Whatever it was….I knew.
21 years have gone by since we were an item. I remember crying for weeks when we “broke up” back in the day. I had never felt pain like that before. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do a damn thing. I got through it with great high school friends who let me cry and complain until I couldn’t do it anymore. No one knew how I felt. We had been together literally every day for almost four years. I had lost my best friend.
To feel that pain again more than 20 years later….unbearable. Where are you? Are you hurt? Are your fingers broken? Are you lying in a ditch? There has to be some sort of explanation.
So you message me out of the blue, travel 4 hours to see me, tell me you want to start over, say the most romantic things ever for two weeks….and then you disappeared.
My heart is broken. No…it’s shattered. I can hardly get out of bed. I’m in a daze. I’m way to old for this shit. Why did I allow you back in my heart? Why did I allow myself to have feelings for you again? Am I a masochist?
I’ve done everything that I possibly can. I called, no answer. I texted, no response. I called you at work, you left me on power hold for a few hours. (that was by far my favorite dismissal from you)
I cry every day. In the shower, in the car. Even while I sleep. I only cry when I’m alone. I’m too ashamed to let anyone really see how much you’ve hurt me.
I walk through the day like a zombie. I’m afraid to drink alcohol for fear that I won’t be able to stop. Man, how I would love to drown my sorrows in Grey Goose, Johnnie Walker….Patron. All I’m missing is the lime.
What did I do wrong? Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to? Do I even cross your mind? I lie awake at night and replay every conversation in my head. Searching for where it went wrong. I can’t concentrate on anything. Every time I turn around I see your face. I turn on the radio and that Bryan Adams song comes on. I stare at my phone waiting for your call. Your voice, your laugh and those blue/green eyes haunt my dreams.
Dude….really? Why can’t you man up? Why can’t you respect me enough to tell me the truth? For fuck’s sake…why do I have to go through this AGAIN?
Lord, why must I continue to suffer for the sins of others? What lesson am I supposed to learn this time? Haven’t I been through enough?
I love you…and it’s killing me. I find myself smiling just to stop more tears from falling. I’ve become silent, reserved, jaded.
What happened to the man who said nothing would come between us again?
I trusted you.
My mouth can’t even form the words to explain how I feel. My heart dies a little bit more each day. There’s no hope of recovery.
I hate feeling this way. I’m going through the motions. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m pissed. I’m angry. I’m a clusterfuck of emotions.
I hate you……
xoxo ~ D