20 Years Later…part quatre

So a few days go by….not a word, not a text, not a voicemail…nothing…

Seriously?  Let me tell you what that feels like….

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FullSizeRender (3)It feels like someone is slowly dragging a knife through my heart.  I’m numb.  I’m pale.  I’m exhausted.  I haven’t slept since January 26th.

I knew something was up that day.  You seemed “off” in the evening.  The texts were few and far between.  When you didn’t call me when you got off from work, I subconsciously knew I would never hear from you again. Call it women’s intuition. Call it a vision.  Whatever it was….I knew.

21 years have gone by since we were an item.  I remember crying for weeks when we “broke up” back in the day.  I had never felt pain like that before.  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t do a damn thing.  I got through it with great high school friends who let me cry and complain until I couldn’t do it anymore.  No one knew how I felt.  We had been together literally every day for almost four years.  I had lost my best friend.

To feel that pain again more than 20 years later….unbearable.  Where are you?  Are you hurt?  Are your fingers broken? Are you lying in a ditch?  There has to be some sort of explanation.

So you message me out of the blue, travel 4 hours to see me, tell me you want to start over, say the most romantic things ever for two weeks….and then you disappeared.

My heart is broken.  No…it’s shattered.  I can hardly get out of bed.  I’m in a daze.  I’m way to old for this shit.  Why did I allow you back in my heart?  Why did I allow myself to have feelings for you again?  Am I a masochist?

I’ve done everything that I possibly can.  I called, no answer.  I texted, no response.  I called you at work, you left me on power hold for a few hours.  (that was by far my favorite dismissal from you)

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I cry every day.  In the shower, in the car.  Even while I sleep.  I only cry when I’m alone.  I’m too ashamed to let anyone really see how much you’ve hurt me.

I walk through the day like a zombie.  I’m afraid to drink alcohol for fear that I won’t be able to stop.  Man, how I would love to drown my sorrows in Grey Goose, Johnnie Walker….Patron.  All I’m missing is the lime.

What did I do wrong?  Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to?  Do I even cross your mind?  I lie awake at night and replay every conversation in my head.  Searching for where it went wrong.  I can’t concentrate on anything. Every time I turn around I see your face.  I turn on the radio and that Bryan Adams song comes on.  I stare at my phone waiting for your call.  Your voice, your laugh and those blue/green eyes haunt my dreams.

Dude….really? Why can’t you man up? Why can’t you respect me enough to tell me the truth?  For fuck’s sake…why do I have to go through this AGAIN?  

Lord, why must I continue to suffer for the sins of others? What lesson am I supposed to learn this time?  Haven’t I been through enough?

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I love you…and it’s killing me.  I find myself smiling just to stop more tears from falling.  I’ve become silent, reserved, jaded.

What happened to the man who said nothing would come between us again?  

I trusted you.

My mouth can’t even form the words to explain how I feel.  My heart dies a little bit more each day. There’s no hope of recovery.

I hate feeling this way.  I’m going through the motions.  I’m sad.  I’m hurt. I’m pissed.  I’m angry.  I’m a clusterfuck of emotions.

I hate you……

 

xoxo ~ D

31 Responses to “20 Years Later…part quatre”

  1. SherriAugust 2, 2015 at 11:29 pm #

    Ummm. He probably went back with his wife. This is why personally dont fall for married men. Feel bad for you but.. If you have to ask if its s rebound , well it prob is. Good luck to u.

    • Doris MartinAugust 5, 2015 at 7:31 pm #

      Thx & I completely agree. Just sharing my journey…there’s so much more to share!

      • SherriAugust 6, 2015 at 11:11 am #

        Share away! Hopefully, you’re not wasting your time still dwelling on this one.

        • Doris MartinAugust 6, 2015 at 5:55 pm #

          Thx!! Definitely don’t believe in dwelling on the past. Just want women to have a place to go to find the strength they didn’t know they had when they read some of my stories. Everything I write about happened to me and if I can help one person know they’re not alone…I did my part!

          • SherriAugust 6, 2015 at 6:26 pm #

            Amen sister! Do your thing!

  2. Sophia ThomasAugust 21, 2015 at 3:15 pm #

    So thats it? He never spoke to you again?!?

    • Doris MartinAugust 24, 2015 at 11:09 am #

      Well, I haven’t heard from him…but the story did take a turn I wasn’t prepared for…

  3. WalterAugust 24, 2015 at 8:13 am #

    I even hate him now!!!

    • Doris MartinAugust 24, 2015 at 11:11 am #

      Maaaan…you and me both…

  4. Sophia ThomasAugust 24, 2015 at 6:18 pm #

    Wasnt prepared for? How long was he “split from his wife? Wow, no explanation from him? Maybe, he was never the man you thought he was.

    • Doris MartinAugust 24, 2015 at 9:52 pm #

      Definitely not the man I thought he was. A true coward. But it’s better to find out now than in another 20 years…

  5. LuzSeptember 6, 2015 at 4:51 pm #

    Being a rebound is truly the worst.

    • Doris MartinSeptember 7, 2015 at 11:31 pm #

      It sure is…

  6. JessicaSeptember 14, 2015 at 9:35 pm #

    First, I want to say thank you, thank you for writing this last little excerpt to your story about the time you spent “talking” to my husband. It put to rest part of my fears, insecurities, and uncertainties. It truly gave me a bit of closure.
    Now I’ve debated again and again about responding to your “single girl self help” blog. I’ll admit its cute. 40 year old bitter single mom who drinks whiskey and coffee. Cool! But, lets be honest your 20 year later post was an attempt dedicated to get at me. I can not see how it is “helping” anyone, well maybe helping you tell your side. I mean…. do I get it? Yea sure, I did get at you on Instagram in my fit of jealous rage. But being who I am, if I’d like complete closure on my end.. I must say my piece. This may hurt a bit, but honestly this is not easy for me…
    I always knew Doris as the girl my husband dated in highschool, 4 years I think. Few years were a true relationship but the last was told to me as a chance to piss his parents off. You were not the ideal girl they would have chosen for him. You two were in drama together. Did a few musicals together. Went to the same church. It was actually a thing we had in common. I had the same boyfriend all through highschool. I was in drama and show chior. I also was raised catholic. I know your song was “everything I do I do it for you” by bryan adams. Because it came on a few times and he mentioned it. He loves bryan adams. Shit who doesn’t. I mean one of our songs is by him as well. I know a few more details but, I’ll spare those.
    So, as your story tells, yea I left my husband. We had some issues, things I considered “dealbreakers”. So I told him to go. I did not just decide to kick him out one day. See you do not know my husband. You know Mike, a teenager from 20 years ago. Somethings are the same… His charm, he has a memory like an elephant, and he sure does look at you like your the only woman in the room. Many of the reasons I fell in love with him and love him with my whole heart today. But, he has another side… A side I wasnt sure if I could deal with back then. We all have demons or so called issues. I got scared and walked away.
    But let me say, before I saw this blog. I already knew about the dinner out with you and friends for your birthday. I knew about the dinner the next day. I knew about the hours of texting and talking on the phone. As, we had only been split for a few weeks and the card he was swiping was ours. The phone lines he was calling and texting on were ours. I had access to it all. Unfortunately hunny, it wasnt the only number he was dialing. He joined a dating service, and also spent new years eve night with another girl. I’ll spare you those details as well. Was I mad no… He was doing his thing and hunny I was off doing mine. Altho, my thing didn’t involve 3 different woman.. Men will be men. I ripped his heart out and stomped on it… So who was I to judge.
    Now, I feel owe you a sincere apology. I should not have lashed out at you. It was not your fault he lead you on. I saw your texts when we got back together. The night he never spoke to you again. He did tell me he told you, he was coming to work things out with me. I know you, your friends , or maybe your cousins called him multiple times at his job and he left y’all on hold. I always swore he was still in contact with you. Well not at first maybe, but when you posted the first blog my mind went nuts. But, that was the purpose of it.. Wasnt it? Great job it worked. I was pissed. It was the pictures of the texts that did it for me. How dare he use lines he used on me. Same good morning texts, same lines almost word for word. First, it ate me up..pissed me off.. And crushed my heart. Now I realize that is just my husbands swag. Men, they all have one. Then when you posted the last post.. It felt damn good!! I know my husband loves me and only me. When I called him to work things out. He dropped you instantly, and came back home. He told me everything..well almost everything. When you started posting all your shit on instagram and your blog, I could not figure out for the life of me.. Why? Why is this woman acting like this, why would she put my husband on blast like this. This is not normal. Adults keep their shit to themselves. 2 dates and a few weeks on the phone does not equal love. She must have fell in love with the idea of being with her highschool sweetheart. Is this girl crazy? He hadn’t even been split up from for more than a month. Then, he admitted to me he did not give you any closure. At first, I thought Fuck that bitch.. Who was she to think my husband would fall in love with her. Was she not smart enough to realize this was a rebound. She should have known better. But, when I realized he gave you zero closure. I stepped back out myself and put myself in your shoes. And knew that blog was out of scorn for him.. Not me. And boy did i give him hell for acting like that. Even though he will never speak to you or even attempt to apologize, I am offering you an apology on his behalf. I truly am sorry you got dragged in to our whirlwind of shit and drama. I will admit, I wouldn’t change a thing as it has made us that much closer and that much more in love. Marriage is about thick and thin, better or worse, and ups and downs. I grew up seeing something diffrent and had to learn for myself. I love my husband with my whole heart and soul. After this, I know he feels the same for me. Again, I am sorry you got hurt in our process. I also, am sorry he failed to give you any closure. And I am sorry, I have continually lashed out at you in my insecurities. Hopefully, this will give you a bit of closure, as I feel you need it as well. As I feel it will give me tons. I truly wish you the best. Again, sorry for any pain we may have caused you.

    • Doris MartinSeptember 15, 2015 at 12:25 pm #

      Writing this blog has been a dream of mine and in the works for about 8 years now. It just so happens that after years of work, I was finally able to launch it this past February. It’s meant to be a collection of stories in my single dating life. The 20 years later series was not meant as a jab to you or him. To me it was just a story about what happened to me after I ran into someone I dated 20 years prior. It was about my feelings. Nothing else. I think the reason they are so popular is because women can relate to what I’m trying to express. Maybe something similar happened to them. Who knows. Nobody had a clue as to who I was speaking about unless they knew me personally. The blog is a place for women to be able to laugh, cry and or feel empowered by what I write.

      Was I hurt when I was left dangling in the air? Absolutely…but I didn’t wake up the next morning and say I was going to make it my business to drag you two through the mud in order to make myself feel better. I’m an adult, I moved on and called it a day. I know that I did nothing wrong. You, however, took it upon yourself to trash me and make comments on my personal IG page pics. A page my children follow. They could read the comments at anytime. Slinging all of your hateful hashtags & comments as if you knew me personally and I was your problem. A personal attack which left me to explain why your drama and bullshit made its way to infect my page and my life.

      What did it prove? I wasn’t calling, texting or showing up at your job or his. I wasn’t going on your social media pages and commenting hurtful things. I wasn’t contacting mutual friends, or his family to get to him…Why? Because I have no desire to chase anyone.

      The fucked up part? Your behavior towards me is something I will never understand nor do I want to. Your insecurities allowed you to think it was ok to attack me. But what you need to understand is that I’ve completely moved on. I don’t think about you or him at all. The pics/quotes that I post are sayings I either like personally or I think will resonate with my followers. It has absolutely nothing to do with either of you.

      You can rest easy knowing that I don’t want your husband. I never did. I don’t believe in breaking up marriages. That’s so not my thing. Trust me…I’m not sitting at home pining over some man that didn’t have the decency to man up.

      As for your apology….I have a hard time believing that it took this post for you to realize that he never contacted me again. If you have access to the phone records and didn’t see my number listed, you were well aware that I was nowhere in the picture. But through your own admission, you blasted me anyway on your social media page. You made a choice to trash me any way you could. Since your pages are not something that I check, I can only imagine how hateful you have continued to be. However, if you are being truly sincere and remorseful, I can accept your apology only. I don’t accept the one you’re trying to give for him. If what you’ve said is true and he was the one stepping out on you…you shouldn’t take responsibility for his actions. However, if you continue to choose to attack me “just because”, I don’t think I’ll be so forgiving next time. I’m not stupid nor am I anybody’s fool.

      I will continue to write my stories from a personal standpoint. I’m a divorced Mom who happens to be single. Going through life one moment at a time. Sharing the good, bad and the ugly along the way. In the hopes that others can laugh/cry and not make the same mistakes that I have. And if they did, at least they know they’re not alone in this world. You don’t need to take anything personally. I don’t know you, therefore I have no need to attack you. It takes a lot of energy to be hateful and hurtful towards others. I prefer to spend my energy focused on my children, family and friends.

      ~ D

  7. JessicaSeptember 15, 2015 at 1:13 pm #

    Again, I own my shit. One day, I hope you will to own yours. You know deep down how you feel and the actions you took while feeling them. I refuse to go back and forth with you. I needed to vent say my piece, and apologize for any harm or hurt I caused you. You are right, I lashed out at you. That is not okay. Good luck with your blog.

  8. PatriciaNovember 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm #

    Wow this story really interesting me until I read the comments after this one. Having been in the wife’s shoes before, I think this was a story to get at her. You made a comment about having this blog in the works for years. Where are your other stories? I see short little blogs about different topics but nothing that compares to the details and time you put in to this one. You’re a great writer for sure. But, I’m going to agree with you and her both. He’s an ass and you possibly did this just to spite her and him. Kodos to her for owning her shit as well. I can imagine how she felt reading this blog. Shit, I wouldn’t have been so pleasent in my response to you. Looking forward to more blogs from you that aren’t as hurtful.

    • Doris MartinNovember 18, 2015 at 4:53 pm #

      Thank you so much for your comment.

  9. TammaraNovember 25, 2015 at 10:15 am #

    Yes! Patricia yes! She’s def a great writer! An embellisher for sure. But where are her other storys? Definitely a dig at her. Drama for ya momma. Kodos for the wife for saying her piece. Sounds like a few details were left out. Looking forward to other posts tho. Great read.

  10. TammaraNovember 25, 2015 at 10:20 am #

    Wowsers.. I agree with Patrica. Kodos to the wife saying her piece. Great blog story but probably a hurtful one. Seems as some details were left out and some embelishment in its place..but that makes a good story right? Looks like both of you had some serious hurt. Men… I swear. Looking forward to more of these blogs.

    • Doris MartinNovember 25, 2015 at 8:08 pm #

      Thank you for your comments! More stories to come.

  11. AndreaNovember 28, 2015 at 3:11 pm #

    Yes ladies you are so right. Hurtful blog. Great writing indeed. Scorned rebound written all over this. A real lady doesn’t kiss and tell.

    • Doris MartinNovember 30, 2015 at 7:20 pm #

      As much as I appreciate your comments, I feel compelled to respond with more than a “thank you”. This blog is written & will always be written from my perspective. Meaning: how I felt at the time that it happened. The blogs are snippets/episodes of my single life. Names will never be used nor will I apologize or sugar coat my feelings ~ D

  12. AndreaDecember 2, 2015 at 8:40 pm #

    Thanks for the response. Still waiting on “those other blogs” your supposed to have. Still believe that you wrote this out of spite to get at her. Hoping to see less hurtful blogs in the future.

  13. ShellyDecember 13, 2015 at 9:04 pm #

    Very valid comments ladies. I’m with you on this. Emblishment all the way. Great writers usually do. Keeps interest. Ready for more blogs.

    I will say you definitely wanted him. You say it in your blogs. But in your comments you state otherwise. You knew better, or should have any who. Hopefully you’ve found happiness with someone else.

    • Doris MartinDecember 16, 2015 at 9:34 pm #

      Thank you for your comment! Glad you like my writing style :)

      • JesseDecember 18, 2015 at 2:51 am #

        By the way, this woman is pathetically jealous and I have only read her comments on part 4. Really sad, I was so into the story and you do write beautifully (at least she credited you with that.repeatedly. under different names.) I don’t know about instagram (thank gooooood)….but am a single, successful woman in South Florida, but while you were smart and went to school, I did the easy bartender money. ..Dear if you’re still reading I am honored! Anyway, you did nothing wrong, I cannot imagine what she said and did to you. I lost my perfect daughter two years ago so thinking about her reading what you both describe as hateful terrifies me. I really admire you and I don’t curse on my Facebook page but seriously, fuck that bitch!!!!!! Forward this and tell her her rachet true colors done shown right through her tacky-misspellings and her friends with nothing better to do. Yes, the Pinot grigio got me tonight but dammit I’ve been thinking about this all day…this could happen to me tomorrow! I’m terrified, you’re my hero! And seriously block them all from your life and your family and do you and the rest comes. I cannot get over how scared that girl is, omg…yeah, (honestly )he may not love you (mine is a multi gramy winner, gorgeous, oh your story…I felt every word, but in hindsight, he didn’t love her…he and I hooked up for years, he’s engaged [she asked me to be a bridesmaid ]…wow wine)…bottom line, that woman is insecure and has reason to be, maybe “Mike” is who you knew 20 years ago, but she showed zero class and faked it horribly…Congratulations Doris, you dodged a twenty year old bullet and she took his dumbass back. Doris=1 Whoever =0

        • Doris MartinDecember 18, 2015 at 6:25 am #

          Thank you again :) Of course I’m still reading…I read every single comment. I’m so glad I was able to help you see the light in your own story…
          ~ yes…I agree…I dodged a major bullet
          ~ D

  14. JesseDecember 17, 2015 at 3:40 pm #

    Hi, enjoyed reading your blogs and I enjoy this one because it made me think of my own highschool sweetheart and our feeble attempts. My parents were highschool sweethearts who got back together at 27 (neither had been married so, it was meant to be) and they were together until she passed away from cancer in 2001. My father still has never dated another woman. She was his true love.

    I too am a single woman who likes whiskey, lives in South Florida and date too many from my past (sometimes that alone calls for Jameson)…and this particular story to me is party empathy and part…what’s the word for “thank you for possibly saving me from doing this again”…yeah.

    To the wife, that sucks, but it sounds like everyone was lied to except “Mike”. To the other “commentors” “kodos” is spelled “kudos”…so much for anonymity.

    Love the blog! Keep it coming! True love exists, I haven’t found it but I am a product of it. Love and light :-) Jesse

    • Doris MartinDecember 18, 2015 at 6:01 am #

      Thank you, thank you, thank you!! What a wonderful story of true love your parents had! ~ D

  15. TammaraDecember 31, 2015 at 12:12 pm #

    Haha! Yes I miss spelled kudos. But, you would side with the blogger Jesse. As you were sleeping with a friends fiancé… Birds of a feather flock together.

    Oh and of course she took him back that is her husband. Through thick and thin.. Better or worse… Sickness and in health. This may be the reason you are both single and have remained so for such a long time. If he is still married or is dating another woman. HANDS OFF! Simple really. If Doris knew he was married still.. Its her own fault.

    The wife may be insecure… But I think she was just defending what was hers. You never know what story she was told. She was a the bigger person to apologize on behalf of both of them. I’ll give her some credit for that.

    Dodged a bullet huh… In secret I’m sure you still are wishing he return. Silly silly girl. I suggest you move on.

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